Playing with Knives

Never piss off a crazy assassin bitch.  You know what I’m talking about.  Usually hot.  Usually Asian.  Always a bitch.  Not sure you know the stereotype?  Let me give you a quick refresher.  You’re probably familiar with this cold, heartless, evil assassin bitch from Rush Hour (see picture.)

Why is she always so pissed off?

Sure, you’re probably thinking, “YO HD, a Crazy Assassin Bitch doesn’t have to be Asian to kick ass.” No, not always.  It’s just that the scariest ones usually know exactly what they’re doing.  Take Beatrix Kiddo (Kill Bill) for instance.  She’s white.  Fine.  But she didn’t learn all those moves in Rex Kwon Do.  Eastern persuation, motherfucker.  That bitch from Disturbia that simply DOESN’T DIE (I don’t quite remember what she looks like, but I have my inclinations).  Lucy Liu in Charlie’s Angels.

There are loads of scary white women too.  Usually Russian.  Check nearly any James Bond movie.  Colonel Rosa Klebb (From Russia with Love)– probably a fox back in her day.  Admittedly, Lotte Lenya was an Austrian actress.  Still scary.  Tatiana Romanova.  Pussy Galore (not Russian, still horrific.) Remember Xenia from Goldeneye?

Sure, there are some great male villains too, but that’s not what this is about.  It’s just not the same.  There’s something about Crazy Assassin Bitches (CABs for short)– whether they’re the villain or not– that you kind of like, but you really don’t… but you kind of do?  Watch the final fight from Thai film Tom Yum Goong and tell me you don’t feel guilty.

I’ve never seen a transgender CAB kick this much ass in any movie.  Love it.

Oh, in a nutshell, Tom Yum Goong is about Tony Jaa (the main actor… character names are trivial) taking down a crime syndicate in order to save his elephants (plots are trivial too.)

Anyway, point being: show the women in your life some love.  Or they’ll turn CAB on your ass and you’ll find yourself in a pickle…